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  • Listening to: Goodbye - Trish Thuy Trang
This morning when I woke up, I grabbed this particular CD -- "Whispers" by Trish Thuy Trang -- that I've only listened to maybe three times and played it in my car today. I'm not sure exactly why it came to my mind, but after I made it to the last song, the reason pretty much slapped me in the face. I've been listening to the song, "Goodbye" all day now.

o/` Time to say goodbye. So turn around and watch the sky and smile, don't cry. Cause everything will be all right, you'll see, we'll be so happy once again. In time the sun will rise. It's not the end, it's just goodbye... o/`

I've always said "see you later" to people because saying "goodbye" always seemed so finite and permanent, like it would be the last time I'd ever see them again. But people come and go, those that give up on you... and those that stay by your side through tough times, so rare and few.

"There are as many people as there are stars, and there are also as many encounters. Likewise, there are as many farewells..." - Ruri Hoshino, from "Martian Successor Nadesico: Prince of Darkness."

I can't tell if the tears are still of sorrow or of gratitude, but that's life, ne? And in the end, tears are wiped away by my own hands, because I'm the only one standing here. Lessons learned, closing another chapter of my life. No regrets, no looking back, however painful it is.

The sun that always rises each day, I want to greet it with a genuine smile and say, "Thank you." -kuro.
  • Listening to: Episode 0 - Gackt
Eehm, well I didn't expect to post again for another year or so, lol. But you can blame :iconkira-tsume: for tagging me! Hope everyone had a wonderful winter holiday! Let's begin!

The rules: 
1. You must post these rules. 
2. Each person has to share 10 things about themselves. 
3. Answer 10 questions asked to you and invent 10 questions that people you tag will answer. 
4. Choose 10 people + put their icons on your journal. 
5. Go to their pages and inform them that they have been TAGGED! 
6. Not something silly like: 'you are tagged of you read this.' 
7. You have to legitimately tag 10 people. 
8. No tag-backs.
9. Can't say, no tags.
10. Everyone that has been tagged must make a journal entry.

ABOUT ME:
1. I'm the oldest of 3, with two brothers who are taller than me, so i'm always considered youngest... and get bullied by them too! :(
2. My playlist consists of 95% asian music, mainly japanese and korean, lol.
3. Um, i have 3 scars...? Oh wait, 4. Lol, crazy stories, but not telling!
4. I don't like watching chick flicks, but I write quite a bit of romantic comedy pieces, lol.
5. I still get red envelopes for lunar new years (even at 33) - less money each year though, lol. Gomen, ne Kira-tan! :P
6. I love to wear hats and scarves and have a lot of them! :)
7. I love watching horror movies, though I have to watch them with another person because i get scared easily! Lol, that's somewhat masochistic, ne? :P
8. My Spanish is terrible, even learning it for 10 years in school, lol. ¿Dondé esta el baño? XD
9. I like playing RPGs... and have a lot of unfinished games, lol. :0
10. I love sushi! <3

QUESTIONS FOR ME:
1. What's your greatest fear?
- Um, there's a tie... between heights and clowns, lol.
2. Have you ever crushed on a character? (If so, who?)
- Byakuya Kuchiki, lol... *blushes*
3. What's your guilty pleasure?
- Tiramisu gelato... *drools*
4. Have you ever checked out the Death Clock site?
- *blinks* Um no...
5. What's the weirdest dream you've ever had before?
- Hm, the most recent one i can remember: caught a chipmunk in my house and then released it outside. It wouldn't go away so i went out to shoo it off the porch, but it turned in to a balloon and floated away, lol.
6. Have you ever tried mixing peanut butter, sesame oil, soy sauce, scallion and noodles together and eating the end result? (If not, will you try it in the future?)
- I haven't, but i know a few people who did. Perhaps i will in the future, lol, if i remember to?
7. What's your theme song?
My theme song is... Gackt's 'Episode 0,' for it's beautiful impact of lyrics, music and his voice. ;)
8. Have you ever tried typing with your elbow?
- No, but i have with my foot, but technically that was hitting spacebar on an online game, lol.
9. What's the earliest memory you can recall?
- Um, about 2 or 3 years old, being bribed with a donut to take pictures with Santa.
10. If you have to be reborn as another, who would it be and why?
- As another... person? Or thing...? Well i want to be... the person who falls in love, with the same person in my previous life, because i can't imagine the many lives after without that person. *blushes*

QUESTIONS BY ME:

1. What's your favorite food?
2. Can you cook? If so, what is your best/favorite dish to make?
3. What is your favorite non-canon anime/manga pairing?
4. Which anime/manga character would you cosplay as?
5. If you were to describe yourself as an animal, what would it be and why?
6. Have you traveled out of your native country before? And to where?
7. What is the nicest thing someone said to you or has done for you?
8. What is your motto or personal saying/belief?
9. Have you had a paranormal experience before, with ghosts or the supernatural?!
10. If you eat ice cream, which toppings do you put on it?!

I will be tagging... 
:iconlidairui::icongreywolf4::iconaverieartina::icondinonamedrwar::iconcookiezsz::iconcorneliafox::iconmiyoko-sama::iconartemisdawn::iconbambistar::iconrocker55:

Okay, and before I disappear again, best wishes to everyone for the new year! -kuro.
So I was tired of seeing that really old entry up, so here's a new one. The next entry will be in another five years? Probably? Lol.

Just uploaded some Matantei Loki sketches. I'm addicted to MayuLoki at the moment, so that's all I've been drawing. Yeeeesh, I'm so lazy to color... 'cause you know that's a lot more work, and I'm just... uber lazy... *glances over to her list of fanfiction to work on* Yeah... my thoughts and plots are all jumbled up together right now.

Anyway time to go relax... aka nap?
I'm only here to upload a drawing, so there! *runs away again*
  • Listening to: Silence
  • Reading: This website..
  • Watching: Computer screen
  • Playing: Nexus XD
  • Eating: M&amp;Ms
  • Drinking: Flavored water.
I need to sleep and stay asleep... sleeping... till I sleep at least 6 hours straight. This is so damn annoying: waking up and not being able to go back to sleep even if I'm exhausted. I have things on my mind, but this is nothing -- I've had worse nights.

And my fingers hurt... =/ I've been working on a "secwet" project since last night, and now they're starting to ache... not to mention, this project isn't looking too good. T_T

Maybe I should go watch TV again, and... get something to eat... and maybe... just maybe the TV will bore me to sleep. Yeah... I'm really hungwy now. =/

Omigod... this freakin' sucks... I hate being used as a tool. It's like DO YOU CARE HOW I FEEL? OR WHAT I FEEL? DOYOUKNOWDOYOUKNOWDOYOUKNOW?!! Omg... =/ I need fresh air... bye. =/
Can't sleep. Well... sleep early, wake up early. That's more like the current situation.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm okay. Like physically, I am. I'm not ill, nothing's in pain... but maybe my chest, my heart. It feels heavy sometimes, but that might be due to mental stress.

Right, so mentally, I feel... like... a boiling tea kettle. Imagine that, I haven't had tea in... over a week now.

I think I should stop. I should stop, let myself be purged. For sure, it's the only way I'll definitely stop. Will I regret it? Probably. So maybe I shouldn't. I don't want to do something I'll regret.

I hate that.

And I don't expect anything anymore. It'll be less disappointing, less painful.

People come and go. Just come and go. And those you truly care about, it hurts. It hurts to the point of tears. I want to be strong, but I'll never be strong enough to stop the tears.

Just a hug, just a whisper, "Ev'rything'll be okay. It'll be okay because I'm here. I'll protect you. Just depend on me, even for a little while."

Then I'll close my eyes and feel safe, "Okay, just a little while. I'll stop pretending to be strong and rely on you... just a little while."
It's been so long. I don't know if I can pick up the pieces again. Scattered bits here and there. Words. Phrases. Incomplete thoughts. I've written them down, but looking at them again, they all seem foreign.

All the work I've done, like childish fantasies, left behind as time grows weary. And my memories have become one huge blur.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mood: Thoughtful
Music: "Tokyo Nights" - Hikaru Utada
I still love him, that's why I still say it, but that doesn't mean things are still the same. So far from being what it was. Things change, people change.

At some point, we drifted apart. I know when, but I don't think he does. I don't think he noticed it... at least till things became evident. Who am I to press it further in a relationship as distant as my own dreams.

So, I no longer dream.

I feel like it's time to close the book, but it's hard to just put it down. Am I being foolish if I bookmark the spot? Am I still hoping, dreaming that some day I'll be able to pick it all up again, right where I left off?

That's how things are right now, but I'm moving on... Even if I'm going alone, I have no choice. I'm being realistic.

I've stopped dreaming.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mood: Bored with homicidal tendencies
Music: "Inspire" - Ayumi Hamasaki
A boy and a girl... walking side by side. Both with a smile of contentment on their faces. A natural silence drifted between them, but they didn't mind, as long as they were together. The boy shyly contemplated whether to hold her hand or leave a bit of space for her. She, on the other hand, patiently waited for him to make that choice.

He made his decision, tucking away the shyness, and his fingers twitched toward the direction of her hand with a bit of hesitation. Giving him support, she shifted her hand slightly to his, and when their skin touched, their fingers entwined in harmony. The warmth was shared between them as each glanced at their interlocked hands and blushed with adorable tenderness found in young love...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The heart is the illusion master, tricking the mind in believing that everything in the world is beautiful." ~~ from a fanfiction, "Cobwebs in the Ceiling" ( www.fanfiction.net/s/2154322/1… )
Mood: Thoughtful
Song: "Moment" (acoustics version) - Ayumi Hamasaki

I've never been good with words when it comes to expressing my feelings. Lately because of that, I've realized how much of a burden they have become. And so have I.

I guess I think of nonsense, but lots of thinking nonetheless, which inevitably leads to stress. So yes, I've been stressed out over these feelings.

Sometimes I wonder if I really can't find the words or is it because I'm afraid of something.

You know how precious one person becomes when all you do is think about him. I can truly say I love him very much. I would do anything, within my capabilities, for him.

I'll somehow get over this uncertainty and insecurity, but despite it all, I love him dearly. <3

~ :: ~ :: ~ :: ~ :: ~

I dreamt of a goldfish... =_=;; It's a random subject, but that damn dream won't leave me. According to this book of dreams and such, it says if the goldfish was in a bowl in my house, there will be finanical gains. Pfft, I scoff at that. The other remote possiblity is marrying into wealth and a pleasing man. Ok, marriage is like eons away for me.

~ :: ~ :: ~ :: ~ :: ~

The autumn weather is killing me. ><;; Cool mornings, then warm afternoons... by evening, a bit chilly. If this change in temperature during the day keeps up, I'm going to get very sick. I haven't been feeling very well either, but I guess that's more of mentally and emotionally. Physically, I'm fine... although there hasn't been much of an appetite.

~ :: ~ :: ~ :: ~ :: ~

Hm, well I think I feel a little better rambling about stuff. Let's see if Nexus works now. Damn their servers. Just crashing like that. Bah.
The coffee mug sat in the middle of the table, still warm from its arrival. Delicate fingers wrapped around the handle and lifted it in to the air. It hovered briefly before touching the pink lips of a young woman.

A small sip satisfied her, and she returned the mug to its original spot and continued listening intently to the caller.

Her lips parted in want of speaking, but she remained silent. Her deep brown eyes glanced outside the coffee house and watched the snowflakes danced about in the cool weather. She was lost in the moment as she held on to the cellular phone, still able to focus on each word he was saying to her.

With a smile and eyes still fixed upon the busy streets, she said sweetly, "Ne, let's go on a date."

He stopped in the middle of his sentence and asked her to repeat what she had said, even though he clearly heard her.

"A date... now." The sweetness in her voice never left as she spoke those words of what seemed like an order, but her tone was very gentle, with a hint of seductive wanting.

He seemed unsure, but she only giggled, indicating her mind was set, "Yes, now." He was quiet, letting the seconds passed between them...

Through the whole time, the gentle smile remained on her lips, "I love you."
A hand reaches out, lingering in wait for a gentle touch of another.

Eyes soften, as if reminiscing.

A smile curls faintly.

Lips slowly parting. Words forming, brushed in to the evening hues.

"Tadaima..." A voice so soft, barely above a whisper. "Tsui ni... tadaima..."

He returns her smile with much love and care, grasping her hand immediately. He pulls her in to his arms and embraces her protectively, murmuring sweet words like an endless mantra of love. "Okaeri."


[ "Tadaima" means "I've returned", usually used when someone has returned, announcing one's arrival. "Okaeri" is like "welcome home/back", spoken by the person who is already there, acknowleding the returnee's presence. End of Japanese lesson. =p ]
At this place, there was never a bridge, but the water
was endless. For days without words, she sat and
watched the emptiness.

Blinked once.

Twice.

A bridge appeared, as if it had always been there.
Perhaps she had been blind to see.

Cautious of it, she dared not journey far. Clinging to
fear, she walked back.

She stood at the edge and looked back, and the
bridge collapsed before her eyes.

It was clear once again; nothing but sparkling blue.

Had it all been a dream? Did she create the bridge
from her own imagination? Or did it belong to another?

Between them, there was something... That bridge...

But what they wanted, neither could have.

And the bridge fell apart.

Separate ways, they would take. Neither will forget
what was there, but one wanted to forget.
With the only thought of getting out of the pouring rain, I stepped in to the house, shaking the umbrella loose of water. The weather has been crazy all week, but what can one do? Just to bear with it was the only answer. I sighed and shut the door, only to realize that I was not the only one who was now home.

I pulled my hair back and walked farther in until I spotted my niece standing by the window. Gazing at the outside world with a blank expression, she was definitely lost in thought. I remained quiet, since she had not noticed me, and propped the wet umbrella against the wall. She continued with her thoughts, completely oblivious of my presence. I frowned, not liking it one bit. I was usually the one to space out, and seeing this in my niece was... rather nerving. Sure, we were a family, but it scared me sometimes to think of how much we were alike.

Whatever that was troubling her I would wait till she was ready to tell me. I never liked to pry in to people's business as much as I wanted to know because I was just that type of person to worry endlessly about the people I love. Even so, I had other things weighing my mind and was in no rush to get her to speak to me. I hate to be forced to do things I don't want to do, so I knew what it felt like.

I walked by her, pausing briefly to give her a glance, and then continued to my bedroom. I closed the door behind me and began to take my clothes off. I threw the soaked clothing aside and shivered at the thin layer of garments I was left in. I climbed in to bed and curled beneath the covers, shutting my eyes tightly like a lost child.

I was tired, but I couldn't sleep. My mind was restless, thinking about one thing, then another. Adding to the quiet insanity was the plattering of the rain, becoming a somber melody in the background. I rolled on to my back and stared at the ceiling, stretching my arms across the bed...

I realized then how big the bed was.

It was too large for me alone.

My hand swept across the space next to me, where he would be, holding me close as we slept in to the night, but at the moment, it was cold...

And empty.
The morning air was cool, but the sun, rising over the waters, would soon warm us as we greeted the day with our silence. I stood and watched the beautiful glow that stretched endlessly before my eyes. For a moment, I felt at ease... I felt I could finally rest. I closed my eyes and revelled in the thought, but the feeling was too perfect to last. Reality was too close for comfort.

With each heartbeat, a certain pain lingered.

With each thought, a memory flashed.

"What do you when all you've known is just a lie?"

"How do you know you're living in a lie?" I had spoken calmly, and after those words, I felt her eyes upon me. I turned to her seated form on the sandy shore. Her deep, blue eyes were wide, staring at me as if I had uttered words of blasphemy. She seemed so fragile, like a delicate, porcelain doll with round eyes tainted with sorrow and lips quivering in fear of living.

But I just smiled.

"So, you know the truth. What will you do with it now?" I turned my whole body towards her, giving her my full attention to her distress. "As far as we both know, you're still the same person -- the same Namida that has graced us with your gentleness, your love, your wisdom... The past is the past. Do not let a single memory destroy what you've created for yourself."

She sighed and nodded, "I know... but... it is hard to accept when it comes to one's own past. I... don't think I can forgive them."

"I think they know that. 'He' knows that, and he's not asking you to forgive him." I paused and sat down beside, putting my hands over hers in comfort. "But at least for her, for your own mother... She kept it from you, thinking it was best. With her no longer in this world, there is nothing more you can do but to forgive and let her spirit truly rest eternally."

There was no denying it: we live in a world of pain and suffering. The lies and deceit that hurt us, yet they are also created by us to give some comfort. Hiding one's self from the world... to protect ourselves, for fear of being hurt, for fear of hurting others.

Should I cry at this epiphany? Or should I laugh at its absurdity?

Born in to this world, so weak and vulnerable. Our own nature is the cause of our own destruction. Why do we carry the tiniest bit of hope? Even if we see it is useless, we cling to it like our last breath. I'm not sure whether it is admirable or just foolishness.

"I guess..." her voice brought me out of my thoughts, "I'll continue living in the lie a bit longer."

"Sou da ne..." I smiled slightly and followed her gaze towards the horizon, as we watched the sunrise. "Let's live it together, and some day, we'll be strong enough to leave it behind and live the truth."
It started snowing two days ago... Well, more like raining ice. For being so small and so beautiful, those ice pellets did hurt. Even now, sitting indoors, I recall the feeling of it as it hit my cheeks.

A sudden chill overwhelmed me, as I pulled my coat tightly around me. This cold weather... I don't think I'll ever get used to it. Imagine me visiting up north, and don't bother with living there. I laughed inwardly at the thought as I trudged around the yard, covered with glistening snow. I've always found winter to be so beautiful in its desolate appearance. I could just close my eyes and take in the solitude, letting myself fall into nature's embrace.

It was so peaceful... So peaceful that I thought I was alone in this world. I didn't know whether to smile or to cry. It was a depressing thought, but when have I never been like that?

"You'll catch a cold."

"Does it matter?" I retorted.

"Of course," he replied genuinely, and I noted the sound of his shoes pressed into the snow. Then he stopped, standing close... behind me, but I did not turn around to give him my acknowledgement. I don't recall how long we stood in the silence, but it bothered me. Not the silence, but his presence. I could feel his eyes on me, anticipating me next move or comment.

"Lately," he began in a contemplative tone, "your smiles have been different."

"Oh?" I don't know why I even bothered with that response.

"Yes."

I guess I can't pretend anymore. I can't hide behind these fake smiles... because, truthfully, I'm tired. But then, the real me... I don't know. That's something I'll figure out for myself; no one can tell me... but...

"Tell me," I turned back to him and stared straight into his eyes. We were friends, like everyone I've met, but with each one of them, I've always kept my distance. Whether trust is in question or just the fear of hurting or being hurt, it has been this way. I doubt anyone has noticed it, but sometimes I do question each relationship... "What am I to you?"
Oh no! Alliria's making me do another art request~! *dies* How many is that already...? Err... *counts on her fingers* Four? *sighs and mopes about* I'm sooooooooooo not in the mood...

Throat's hurting, and we have noooooo apple juice... Water is so plain. I can keep on complaining, but I think I'll go find some fanfiction to read... I wish my favorite ones were updated...

Or... update my own? *dodges all thrown objects* ^^;; I feel so evil... *runs off*
Sucks to be sick... especially on Christmas and after... Anyway, I'm working on a cutesy drawing... soon to be uploaded if I get off this journal thingie...

o_o; <-- Lately my favorite expression. Don't ask... Well just like my friend, Tyisu, who gave me a bomb as a belated Nexus wedding gift... Isn't she sweet? ((Ty, if you ever read this... you're one crazy, ol' woman! Lova ya, still!))

Anyway... seems like people can drive me insane by just the littlest thing they do, and usually, I'm very tolerable. =_=;

Ok, I'm normally a ditzy fool... but this is unbelievable... Omigod, people on AIM will push me over the edge... *runs away, screaming*
Before I leave for the night, there's a story that comes to mind when I think about what's been happening these past few days. It's actually a fanfiction I've written for Digimon, "Blindness & Anarchy" [ www.fanfiction.net/read.php?st… ].

But anyway, it's one of my darker pieces... I just want to point out a paragraph that is very important...

"'Obsession' was too strong of a word, but it described her strange attachment to the fruit.  In essence, she was quite similar to it.  The tough skin that protected the core of the fruit, where its weakness of sweet sentimentality nestled itself, and everyone around her seemed to want that weakness, prying with their fingers or slicing with a sharp knife into her to get the most of who she was.  They want to consume, drain her for all that she's worth until nothing was left but the remains of an outer shell... broken.
"  ["Blindness & Anarchy", chapter 2]

Good night.
"Ne... I'm really tired," my voice spoke barely above a whisper. I collapsed in the chair and threw myself over the table top, doing my best not to breakdown in front of my family.

I remember telling one of my sisters once, when she was hurt by a guy, 'Guys come and go, but family will always be there for you...' And right now, I just wish...

"What's wrong, Kuro-chan?" I looked up and saw my cousin, Namida, smiling sweetly with a plate of cookies. She placed it in front of me, but I was too frustrated to give them a second thought.

She sat down across from me as I grumbled, "I think... I want to take a long vacation..."

A frown formed on her delicate face, and I felt guilty for bringing my problems to her. "Is... Shinjou treating you right?" she asked unsurely and worriedly.

"Of course!" I answered, mildly surprised at her assumption. "He's a wonderful husband..." After my outburst, I realized, "I... don't think I'm a very good wife..."

"Don't be silly!"

"I'm not being silly! I'm not silly this time!" I just couldn't believe it... At this stupid moment, I started to cry. "Everything is great... It's going so well...

"No... No... I live in a world of lies... This illusion I've built for myself because of my insecurity... The pressure, the stress that I've wanted to escape from, they've caught up with me here. I don't think I can handle it anymore...

"I'm a curse... I just bring misery and pain to others. I'll just end up hurting them... I wish they could see that and just... leave me in their past..."